Are We Ever Allowed To Say NO?

It has come up more often than not over the past couple of months that the common thought appears to be that girls/boys believe that saying NO, very rarely applies where sexual violence is concerned and that saying NO, very rarely applies where sexual intercourse is concerned. It appears that the common belief is that females don’t get a chance to do very much without it being misconstrued as consent, females don’t get a chance to change their minds, they don’t get a chance to back out, they don’t get a chance to flirt, to dance, to be interested in a guy, without that being taken as a sign of consent to engage in sexual activity. I would like to take this opportunity as we celebrate Sexual Assault Awareness Month to inform girls/boys and women/men that the only consent that matters is a verbal YES, an agreement between consenting individuals who know what they are entering into and the decision is made to continue on together.

I have heard too often that she danced with me all night what does she expect, she was grinding on me, she started kissing me, she wasn’t wearing much, she came on to me etc. What these are, are excuses, to allow you, the one doing the assaulting to justify you actions. But we both know that you felt her body tense, that you saw her cry, that you heard her say no, that she walked away, pushed your hand, asked you to leave, said she didn’t feel comfortable, that she wanted to stop, but nothing stopped you. Nothing stopped you because you believe that you are entitled to a woman’s body, you have found a way to justify your actions so that no matter the circumstance, the girl did something to lead you on and as a result caused you to force yourself on her. It is important we all understand the concepts of boundaries, consent, consequences and infringement. Boundaries are limits we place on what we are open to engaging in, Consent, with regard to sexual violence, refers to the verbal agreement to engage in sexual intercourse, Consequences are the results that follow an action and Infringement is the breaking or ignoring of the terms agreed upon. These concepts are vital to understanding the NO where sexual violence is concerned.

Girls have a right, AT ANY POINT during a sexual interaction to say NO. They have a right to change their mind’s, they have a right to say they don’t want to continue. And if they are unable to say NO, you are able to read their body language (which no doubt is screaming NO). Her tears say NO, her lack of movement or enjoyment say NO, her walking away says NO. Justification based on the how an interaction began doesn’t excuse what happens in the end. I implore you to think about how you would feel if someone were to force themselves on you (man or woman), think about how having you choices stripped would affect you, think about how you would feel if this happened to you mother or sister. Women and girls have A RIGHT TO SAY NO. They have a right to back out. They should not have to feel that they have no choice in the matter of what is done to their body or how it is treated. WE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO AND ANY POINT DURING A SEXUAL INTERACTION. PLEASE DON’T ACCEPT THAT YOUR BODY DOESN’T BELONG TO YOU OR THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A SAY IN WHAT IS DONE TO IT.

We would like to let you know that we are experiencing some temporary technical difficulties with our Support & Validation Hotline. We are working diligently to get it back up and running as soon as possible. As always we are available to help. Feel free to reach out to us as many of you have done in the past. We at PROSAF are always here to listen and support you. Feel free to contact us via the information below. If you are interested in becoming a sexual assault advocate please contact us for further information. Remember you are not alone. You are strong & brave. You will get through your healing process but it takes time and patience. We are here to help and listen. Feel free to contact us if you ever need a place to offload or vent. We are available for group and individual counseling.

Yours Sincerely,

Souyenne Dathorne, Velika Lawrence & Rebecca Hayes

Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com

Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908

Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy

Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/

http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

http://www.pinterest.com/prosaf/boards/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/

Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue)   1-758-723-6466(vel)

VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/

484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

 

Sexual Abuse Prevention Advocate Wants Greater Protection For Victims

Co-founder and director of Positive Reactions Over Secrets and Fears (PROSAF) Souyenne Dathorne is calling on government to establish a more coherent system, by which victims of sexual violence could receive better protection and care.
Dathorne told St Lucia News Online SNO on Thursday (Mar. 20) that while the penalties for such crimes are rigid, it is now time for government to turn its attention towards creating a safe space for victims of sexual assault and to help them reintegrate with society, especially those who are victims of rape.
Dathorne explained that while there is a National Crisis Centre, there is a dire need for a separate centre to be established for persons who have been sexually-assaulted. She said a prompt response could help victims to move on more quickly, instead of leaving room for them to be traumatised for the rest of their lives.
Dathorne, who specialises in Forensic Psychology, said she has had experiences with counseling many such victims. Since she has assessed the local situation, she has identified the measures needed to improve the delivery of service to victims.
Persons who tend to experience such assaults remain timid and distant from society for a long time, she informed, adding that they continue to live in fear and distress.
Dathorne lamented over the frequent increase in cases like these here, noting “everyday cases of sexual assault or rape are reported in St Lucia.” However, she said in majority of the cases perpetrators somehow never get prosecuted.
According to Dathorne, instances where victims attempt suicide, become drug abusers, cut themselves or are bribed to not pursue the court matter can be avoided, if proper protection and care is given to these victims.
The PROSAF director believes also that there is a dire need for a change in the culture of how people view victims of sexual violence, where the blame is most times placed on the victim, especially teenage girls, who are molested or raped.
The PROSAF director said two studies were done by her organisation; one between June and December of 2013 and another in July of 2013. Apart from these studies, the organisation has run support groups for survivors of sexual violence/rape; established a support validation hotline and trained individuals to become sexual assault advocates.
PROSAF, with the help of the British High Commission of St Lucia, was able to run successful sexual violence education programmes in various secondary schools.
PROSAF was able to identify that out of a total population of 162,781 in St Lucia – 51.23 percent being females, approximately 27,800 females here are likely to become sexual assault victims. This estimation came as a result of the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) Caribbean Human Development Report of 2012, which indicates that one in three women will fall victim of sexual violence in the Caribbean.
Operating under two main branches, PROSAF brings to the forefront issues such as the lack of comprehensive education and the effects and incidence of sexual assault in society. The Power Of One and Surviving Sexual Abuse in The Caribbean are the founding movements of PROSAF. Each branch encourages and facilitates society to speak out, and seek resources to address problems of sexual assault and domestic violence affecting them.

Child Molesters/Pedophiles

There seems at times to be mixed feelings on whether a crime falls into the bracket of child sexual abuse/molestation. We query whether the child was too sexual or seductive, whether she/he played a part in the crime committed against them. We question whether the perpetrator should be punished, “it could have been a one time thing” we say, “he will not do it again, let’ not ruin his life.” Although, we never mention how the life of the child has been irrevocably changed. We don’t dwell on how he/she has been affected, how this has changed how they feel about themselves and everyone in their lives. Rarely do we have the child’s best interest solely at heart, we consider ourselves, the abuser and society before the betterment of the child.

Let’s examine some facts about child sexual abuse:
(1)FALSITY: “Childhood sexual abuse involves intercourse with a child by an adult. It is not child sexual abuse is there is no penetration”. TRUTH: “Many forms of sexual abuse don’t involve intercourse of any form of penetration.:
(2)FALSITY: “Adult’s need to teach children about sex so they grow up to be good lovers.” TRUTH: “Children who are sexually abused, grow up to be adults who suffer from many problems.”
(3)FALSITY: “Most child molesters are strangers.” TRUTH: “The majority of abusers are relatives, most notably stepfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers & grandfathers.”
(4)FALSITY: “A father who loses control and molests his daughter is not as bad as the child molester who goes around stalking children.” TRUTH: “The incest (sexual abuse by a family member) offender is often just a child molester who stays home.”
(5)FALSITY: “Just because a man makes a mistake and molests one child doesn’t mean he will do it again with other children.” TRUTH: Rare is the offender who molests once and then stops.”
(6) FALSITY: “There is no such thing as a true victim. The child has some responsibility in the situation.” TRUTH: “ The child is totally innocent & has absolutely no responsibility for the sexual abuse.”
(7) FALSITY: “ The child could have stopped it at anytime.” TRUTH: “There is no way a child can stop an adult from doing what he/she wants with her.”
(8) FALSITY: “All the child had to do to stop it was to tell someone.” TRUTH: “A child is too afraid to tell.”
(9) FALSITY: “Some of these victims were old enough to know better. In these cases it is not sexual abuse.” TRUTH: It is considered childhood sexual abuse if the victim was coerced, deceived, threatened, bribed or intimidated. When sexual encounters are not based on mutual consent, they always constitute assault.” (All myths taken from “The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Beverly Engel.”

I chose the 9 myths above as they appears to be the most widely used excuses for justifying or excusing the behaviors of child molesters, child abusers, pedophiles. The truth is there is no excuse or justification for the defilement of a child, whether the child is related to the individual or not. We, as a society, are not aware of the ramifications of this sort of trauma on a child. We expect that they will get over it as time passes, but the truth is that this isn’t something that one gets over without the proper help, help that is severely lacking in our country. Our children are being used, abused, sold, raped, tortured and treated like nonentities. How do we continuously forsake those who depend on us for their protection, care and love? We justify it based on our needs, we blame them and insinuate they caused the sexual abuse, and then we ask them to not only be silent about the abuse but to be around their abuser. We ask them to get re-victimized by us and re-raped by their abusers who now know you will do nothing. Child Sexual Abuse isn’t to be taken lightly, it isn’t something that disappears and gets better with time, on the contrary it gets worse with time. Child Sexual Abuse weaves into the very fabric of the child; it tells her/him that she isn’t worthy, that she/he isn’t beautiful, that she/he is a receptacle, that they are not worthy of one’s protection. Child Sexual Abuse leaves them feeling small and insignificant. Please do you part to help stop child abuse. Don’t let abusers continue to go free, get the justice your children deserve. Stop another child from being abused because you turn in abusers not because you let them go. Please BELIEVE YOUR CHILDREN, STAND WITH THEM AND FOR THEM. HELP STOP CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.

We are asking that you join us in demanding that Sexual Violence be taken more seriously by our governmental leaders and those in positions dealing directly with victims/survivors of Sexual Violence. Demand and hold them accountable. But also, hold yourself accountable for your lack of action, for your belief that by sitting back someone else will do it. We rally together for many things, let this be one. Sign our petitions and show the governmental leaders that this is something that you take seriously, that this is something you think needs to be addressed immediately. There is power in numbers. Don’t let Sexual Violence continue to break the youth and destroy our women. If you are a survivor interested in joining a support & validation group please contact us. If you are interested in being a victim advocate please contact us. Sexual Violence on island needs to be taken more seriously. RISE WITH US.

Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Rising For Justice – OBR 2014

We rose at the Derek Walcott Square on February 14th for Justice. We rose because more often than not, survivors of Sexual Violence and their families NEVER get JUSTICE. We rose because too often survivors are blamed while their perpetrators are supported. We rose with countless other men and women around the global to take a STANCE AGAINST SEXUAL VIOLENCE. We lifted our voices to show that we were no longer silent. We rose to give a VOICE to those who CANNOT SPEAK. We rose, because too many have DIED due to crimes of Sexual Violence. We rise because up to 7 in 10 women around the world will experience physical or sexual violence at some point in their life.(endviolence.un.org) We rise because too many are still SUFFERING, too many have nowhere to turn, too many are afraid of what will happen if they speak up, too many are afraid of being blamed, of being chastised, of being made to feel like perpetrators. We rose because too many girls and boys are being sexually abused and nothing is being done about it. We rose because rape myths are being freely accepted and used as an excused to perpetuate sexual violence. We rise because so many youth and adults alike don’t know their rights. WE RISE so that survivors and victims in St.Lucia know they are not alone, that there is help, that there is hope.

One Billion Rising has given the world a chance to take a stance against sexual violence, a chance to be part of the change that is desperately needed. We at PROSAF chose to celebrate One Billion Rising 2014 by drafting a Violence Against Women Act along with an Educational Petition. The Violence Against Women Act asks that Gender Based Violence be dealt with on varying levels- police, nurses, doctors, counselors, laws, lawyers, training, sensitivity, etc. The Educational Petition speaks to better education for youth on Sexual Violence and more counseling services in the schools. Too many of our youth have been sexually victimized or are being sexually victimized with few avenues for help and little knowledge of what is being done to them. We asked for the petitions to be signed on 14th February and we ask that you reach out to us if you didn’t get a chance to sign and are interested in signing.

We have been writing articles on Sexual Violence from the end of 2011. We thank the Voice Newspaper for continuously supporting us in this. We write these articles to reach out to survivors and victims to validate and support them, to let them know they are not alone, that they have done nothing wrong, that they are not crazy for feeling or thinking certain things. We continue to write these articles to educate the country on the varying aspects of Sexual Violence. Sexual Violence is not just something that a few people should be worried about, it’s not something that affects a certain kind of person, or a specific age group, race, gender, social class etc. Sexual Violence touches us all, it affects us all. Please do your part to help address Sexual Violence in St.Lucia, be an active participant in making the changes that our youth, women, men and country needs.

We are asking that you join us in demanding that Sexual Violence be taken more seriously by our governmental leaders and those in positions dealing directly with victims/survivors of Sexual Violence. Demand and hold them accountable. But also, hold yourself accountable for your lack of action, for your belief that by sitting back someone else will do it. We rally together for many things, let this be one. Sign our petitions and show the governmental leaders that this is something that you take seriously, that this is something you think needs to be addressed immediately. There is power in numbers. Don’t let Sexual Violence continue to break the youth and destroy our women. If you are a survivor interested in joining a support & validation group please contact us. If you are interested in being a victim advocate please contact us. Sexual Violence on island needs to be taken more seriously. RISE WITH US.

Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne, Velika Lawrence & Rebecca Hayes
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Insensitivity

There is a callous attitude displayed when speaking about and discussing Sexual Violence and how survivors have been affected. We ask insensitive questions and make ignorant remarks. How can she possible remember what was done to her, she was no older than 3, well she had a part to play in the continuation of her abuse because she never said anything to anyone about it, hmm I hear what she is saying, that someone forced themselves on her, but she must be lying, he would never do a thing like that. She wants to get him in trouble, this is payback for breaking up with her, etc. Continuously we hear girls who have been sexually violated asked what they did to cause what was done to them. They are told they participated in their violation, or are fabricating the events or are speaking but could not possible have the memories to support their claims. I have asked this question repeatedly through my articles, why is that survivors of sexual violence are continuously interrogated for the crimes committed against them? When will we stop searching for excuses for perpetrators of sexual violence? What does It say about a nation and its future when they are both unable to face the facts about Sexual Violence but also unable to do what is required to effectively address the issue?? It says that soon we have a nation of victims/survivors who have gotten no help and are still broken. It says we have a country where perpetrators know then can get away with their crimes. It says we continue to have a nation of insensitive uneducated people on the topic of Sexual Violence, it says that sooner rather than later our country will be known as a place where people are violated and the survivors/victims never receive justice. We are a nation that depends heavily on tourism, I don’t think we can handle any more bad press.
I am not trying to scare anyone but to paint a picture of the inevitable. Our boys believe they have a right to take what they want from a woman when they want; they have been taught to justify their actions. They have been taught this by us everytime we justify their actions, everytime we blame the girl for the man’s decision to force himself on her, to ignore her pleas of no, to take her prepubescent innocence as a seduction, to take her near comatose state as an invitation to engage in sexual intercourse. Our girls have been told that when violated they will be blamed regardless of the situation. They have been told that even if they say no; that response will be rationalized to mean yes. (she says no but is being spiteful, she really wants me to) Our survivors are constantly challenged on their memories of the event/events and their actions & reactions after. Our society, is ill prepared and ill educated to address Sexual Violence. We can’t sit back and continue to do nothing and hope things change. We need awareness, education, sensitivity, training, resources, aid. We need to acknowledge the issue of Sexual Violence and do what is necessary to address it effectively. I implore you to RISE FOR JUSTICE with us on Feburary 14th at the Derek Walcott Square from 12-4pm. Join the Global event to raise awareness and take a stance against sexual Violence (ONE BILLION RISING). Rise and show that you to don’t condone Sexual Violence. Sign our petitions so your voice too will be heard.
We are asking that you join us, that you demand the things you want from your government, from the agencies in charge. Demand and hold them accountable. But also, hold yourself accountable for your lack of action, for your belief that by sitting back someone else will do it. We rally together for many things, let this be one. Come Sign our petitions, come read our Violence Against Women Proposal, show the governmental leaders that this is something that you take seriously. Don’t let Sexual Violence continue to break the youth and destroy our women. Women are a vital part of this world, they deserve respect, they deserve to be safe, they deserve to be treated like human beings, like adults. Reach out to us if you are interested in Rising with us. If you are a survivor interested in joining a support & validation group please contact us. If you are interested in being a victim advocate please contact us. Sexual Violence on island needs to be taken more seriously. RISE WITH US.

Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Unreasonable Requests

If I were to ask how many of us understood what one goes through when they have been sexually assaulted, I may find myself in a room where we could hear a pin drop. I know however, that if I could read the minds of everyone in that room, there would be an overwhelming “Me, I know, I get it, I have lived it, I am still trying to cope”. The sad reality is that many more of us are survivors of some form of sexual violence and that many of us aren’t ready to share that with someone else. Many of us are afraid to remember, afraid to begin healing. While we think we are alone in this pain, we are not, there are too many are walking with us on this journey to healing, understanding, accepting, self-love, etc. As survivors of sexual violence we rarely have support, we rarely have validation, and more often than not, everyone is concerned with the embarrassment or pain of our abuser/s. A survivor is expected to live through the rape, she is maybe allowed to let it affect her for say a couple months before those who “supported” begin saying that she should be over it by now, that she needs to move on, that she is doing herself more harm, etc. No one takes the time to understand how a survivor feels, or what really happens to them after. We rate their experience and their pain based on how horrific or severe it all turns out to be by our standards. A victim of a surprise gang rape is allowed more time to process than the victim of a gang rape who was too intoxicated to know what was happening. The abusers of the surprised gang rape we want hanged but again, only if by society’s standards, she was a “good” girl. If she was a prostitute then what did she expect. The girl who was raped and was too intoxicated to say anything we feel sorry for her abusers because clearly her inebriation was a sign of consent, clearly she is not the victim here but the young men who decided that intoxication is a substitute for a verbal Yes. And so she like the prostitute is burned at the stake for their so-called actions that brought this sexual assault on themselves. We sympathize, not empathize with those who have been attacked sexually. We rate every assault and use that to dictate how a survivor should act, react, feel and for what length of time. What it was only an attempt, oh well nothing actually happened so get over it, oh wait, he was your boyfriend, well I’m sure you liked it rough, oh wait it was 2 guys well better than it being 5 so ill give you 2 months to get over it all. What about the young woman/man who is assaulted by someone in the family? We tell them that it was innocent sibling/family playing, that they are blowing things out of proportion, that they hold the family’s reputation in their hands.

We ask them to forgive their brother, father, mother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandmother, grandfather or step-parent. We ask them to sit through family gatherings with their abuser, we ask them to do what’s best for the family, we tell them to think about what their abuser is/was going through, we ask them to not let their assault affect their lives. We insinuate that this is something that can be turned off and put away and never opened, we insist that this is something that can be gotten over in no time. I heard Will McAvoy said this in season 1 episode 6 and thought it was a perfect answer to anyone who sits back and tell us, survivors of sexual violence what to feel how to act and how to react. “ I am tired of people telling me it’s Just A Get Over It Situation. F…. You, you don’t know what it’s like in my head.” They don’t know, they don’t even want to know, they want to pretend sexual violence doesn’t happen and that when it does the victim caused it. Because to sit and accept that people constantly force themselves sexually on another person against their will, will mean that have to face one of 2 things; (1) I am a survivor to who has been trying not to believe what was done to me or (2) that someone I know is a rapist, that someone I know thinks its ok to sexually assault people. We would then have to rethink so much of what we have accepted as truth about the world. So I understand that it is easier to blame the survivor but that doesn’t make it right. So when someone confides in you and you find yourself wanting to blame them; take your mothers advice; If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

The truth is that no survivor wants to deal with the aftermath of their assault, no survivor wants the flashbacks, the triggers, the trust & intimacy issues, the fear that it will happen again. They don’t want to deal with the body image issues, the constant self-sabotage, the issues of addiction, the issues of sexual intimacy. They don’t want to have to tell their friend that the reason they may come across as difficult to get to know is because their faith in humanity was shattered the moment their sexual assault occurred. Many survivors would say that if they could they would lock this away and never think about it again, but they can’t, their body’s, their mind’s will not let it disappear until dealt with. Speaking as a survivor of sexual violence there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish that I didn’t have the truckload of issues that I now have. I always find it very disrespectful when someone insinuates that my pain or suffering should be less because my type of assault wasn’t as damaging. Who determines what is damaging where sexual assault is considered? Should that be left up to you, the individuals who have never lived it and have no idea what we are dealing with? Should I take advice from you on my healing and where I should or shouldn’t be, or how I should feel or not feel because you deem yourself an expert? NO. We don’t go a cardiologist and listen to their opinion when the issue is really a neurological one. Who gets to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel, who gets to tell you that what you went through wasn’t horrific or severe enough because it was only “incest”, only an attempt, only a unwanted touch or kiss, etc?? A violation is a violation and we don’t get to decide how one feels, or how they should act.

Survivors of sexual violence cause themselves enough pain, they don’t need any additional pressure coming from a society that constantly fails to protect them, a society that excuses and releases rapists on a near daily basis. To the survivors; don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, how to react or act, no one knows what’s in your head, no one sees your scars, they don’t know what your deal with, they don’t see the patches that have been placed on the open wounds in an attempt to appear normal. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care, not those who pretend to care. Know that it doesn’t matter what form of sexual assault or the duration that you were violated and you have every right to feel violated, hurt and angry. We often, let people who are ill equipped to judge us do just that. I want to remind you of how strong you are, you incredibly strong, and you deserve a happy and full life. It is possible. The road to get there is difficult but I have to believe that it is all worth it.

WE at PROSAF are celebrating One Billion Rising on the 14th of February 2014, the theme this year is JUSTICE, we are asking that you join us, that you demand the things you want from your government, from the agencies in charge. Demand and then hold them accountable. But also, hold yourself accountable for your lack of action, for your belief that by sitting back someone else will do it. We rally together for many things, let this be one. Come Sign our petition, come read our Violence Against Women Proposal, show the governmental leaders that this is something that you take seriously. Don’t let SV continue to break the youth and destroy our women. Women are a vital part of this world, they deserve respect, they deserve to be safe, they deserve to be treated like human beings, like adults. Reach out to us if you are interested in Rising with us. If you are a survivor interested in joining a support & validation group please contact us. If you are interested in being a victim advocate please contact us. Sexual Violence on island needs to be taken more seriously. RISE WITH US.

Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Justice For Survivors of Sexual Violence

How many have fallen victim to various incidents of sexual violence and had nothing done about it? The correct and sad answer, is that too many have never gotten any sort of justice. Too many have gotten no support or validation and too many have been blamed for the crimes committed against them. One would like to hope that with time things would change, that we would become more educated and understanding, that we would see perpetrators of sexual violence as criminals and not individuals who lack self control and are tricked into committing crimes. How do we look at a 2, 5, 9, 12 year old and say they brought this on themselves? How do look at any individual for that matter and suggest that they danced to provocatively, dressed to scantily, flirted to intensely, kissed to passionately, accepted dinner, accepted a promotion, asked for extra help in a class etc and caused this to him, seduced their rapist, enticed him/her beyond their control?? How do we justify the actions of the perpetrator and damn the victim?
Why is more not done to address sexual violence- child sexual abuse, marital rape, sexual harassment, rape, incest, etc. Why are our departments in charge not ensuring more is done? We say that parents repeatedly accept bribes from someone who abused their child, why is the state not demanding the case go to court? We have at the very least, a reason to expect that a child was abused, so why is more not being done to protect the child? Why are we allowing parents to basically sell their children? Why do we not have specific training for counselors, nurses, doctors, lawyers, police officers and judges so that they are able to deal with these cases in a manner that does not re-victimize the victim? Why are our children not taught more about their rights, more about what incest and child sexual abuse are? Why do our children feel afraid too speak to us about the crimes being committed against them? I’ll answer that, though you may not like my answer, it is because your comments tell them that you will blame them, that you will do nothing, that everything their abuser told them will happen; mommy & daddy will not care, they will do nothing, they will be upset. We have become passive. We sit back and wait for things to change instead for being part of the change. Sexual Violence doesn’t only affect the person who was attacked, it affects us all, these individuals grow up to be broken in many ways and that affects everyone. We say that the children are our future but are not investing in them, not fully. Material things come and go, their pain and suffering remains and grows. Invest in their psychological and physical well-being We wonder why so many are bullying, why so many are committing suicide, why so many are addicted to drugs and alcohol. They are screaming out that they are in pain, they are asking for help and receiving nothing.
WE at PROSAF are celebrating One Billion Rising on the 14th of February 2014, the theme this year is JUSTICE, we are asking that you join us, that you demand the things you want from your government, from the agencies in charge. Demand and then hold them accountable. But also, hold yourself accountable for your lack of action, for your belief that by sitting back someone else will do it. We rally together for many things, let this be one. Come Sign our petition, come read our Violence Against Women Proposal, show the governmental leaders that this is something that you take seriously. Don’t let SV continue to break the youth and destroy our women. Women are a vital part of this world, they deserve respect, they deserve to be safe, they deserve to be treated like human beings, like adults. Reach out to us if you are interested in Rising with us. If you are a survivor interested in joining a support & validation group please contact us. If you are interested in being a victim advocate please contact us. Sexual Violence on island needs to be taken more seriously. RISE WITH US.

Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Never Too Late/Never Too Old To Begin Healing

Survivors of sexual violence very often carry their secrets with them for a lifetime. Too often they have tried, at one point or another to seek support by sharing their stories whether they come right out and admit that the story they are sharing is their own, or whether they say it is a friend’s story, they try. Too often the responses they get either blame them out right, or preach about how you, their friends& family would never let it happen to you. Either way you send out the message that 1) they can’t and won’t get support from you, 2) that they somehow did something to bring this on themselves and 3) they should be over it by now. We instill over and over a sense of isolation and shame in survivors of sexual assault, So much so that many never try seeking help or support ever again.

As survivors many times we accept, (and I use this word very lightly), that we were sexually assaulted and that there is nothing that can be done. You don’t deserve a life of continuous trauma, pain and suffering. Sexual violence was an act committed against you, but it doesn’t have to define your life, it doesn’t have to prevent you from finding happiness, from finding yourself. It is never too late to begin healing, you are never too old for things to change, for them to get better and for this thing that happened to you to take up less space in your life. I will never promise that it will be easy, or that it will happen over night. It will be tough, and yes you have been through so much already, and I understand not wanting to go through it all again. But this time you are not alone, this time you have support. There is always hope, there is always room for a better life. I know many of you have resigned yourselves to living your lives as is. We both know that the memories, flashbacks, triggers and nightmares have not disappeared and aren’t likely to unless you begin to heal. Some of us are able to keep them at bay for a while but they always resurface, the only way forward is to face them and begin healing. I know what I’m saying here is hard to accept, I’m still working at healing myself, it takes time. But you are not alone, you have PROSAF, and other survivors who are also on their journey who understand what you’re going through and will be there to validate and support you. Don’t accept that things won’t get better. There is no specific time in which you should have addressed your assault, it is never too late and you are never too old or young to begin the healing journey.

We would like to let you know that we are experiencing some temporary technical difficulties with our Support & Validation Hotline. We are working diligently to get it back up and running as soon as possible. As always we are available to help. Feel free to reach out to us as many of you have done in the past. We at PROSAF are always here to listen and support you. Feel free to contact us via the information below. If you are interested in becoming a sexual assault advocate please contact us for further information. Remember you are not alone. You are strong & brave. You will get through your healing process but it takes time and patience. We are here to help and listen.

Feel free to contact us if you ever need a place to offload or vent. We are available for group and individual counseling.
Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne, Velika Lawrence & Rebecca Hayes
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/ – up and running
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

New Year, New Life, New Chances

So many of us are looking back on 2013 and wondering what changes can be made, how can we improve our lives, our level of happiness and our self-esteem level. For some, 2013 may have been a tough year, for some it may have been a tough couple of years. With the dawn of a New Year, we often find ourselves reassessing and examining our lives and trying to figure out what improvements can be made. As survivors of Sexual Violence, we find that we may have been carrying a very heavy load for more than a couple of years, unsure of how to make changes. 2014 is your chance to take your life into your hands. As survivors of Sexual Violence, many have settled for having to accept what is, what has happened and believing that they don’t deserve happiness, love or a better life. For many, what was done to them has completely shattered their sense of self worth, of trust, of happiness. The sexual violence experienced left many believing that where they are, is where they should stay.

You are a survivor not a victim. Not many people fully understand what being a survivor is; it means that when life dealt your horrible cards; you didn’t crack under the pressure. It means that you survived a something horrific with little or no help from those around you. It means you never gave up or in. As survivors we fail to give ourselves credit for being survivors of sexual violence; many think of themselves as being weak and merely doing what was needed to get by. Let this year be a year of self-care and self-discovery. Let this year be the year you decide to address the sexual violence you suffered, let this year be the year you decide to work on your happiness and self-worth. Let 2014 be the year you decide that you are worthy of love, happiness and success. Let this year be the year you decide to put you first, this year you decide that you have done nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to feel ashamed about. Let this year be the year you decide to love yourself, to believe in yourself.

Let 2014 be a fresh start to your life. I will continue to say that you deserve happiness and love. I will continue to say that you are strong, beautiful and intelligent. I will continue to point out that you have done nothing wrong. I will continue to say these things until to begin to believe. It takes time but I will continue to remind you. 2014 is your chance to live life your way. We would like to let you know that we are experiencing some temporary technical difficulties with our Support & Validation Hotline. We are working diligently to get it back up and running as soon as possible. As always we are available to help. Feel free to reach out to us as many of you have done in the past. We at PROSAF are always here to listen and support you.

Feel free to contact us via the information below. If you are interested in becoming a sexual assault advocate please contact us for further information. Remember you are not alone. You are strong & brave. You will get through your healing process but it takes time and patience. We are here to help and listen. Feel free to contact us if you ever need a place to offload or vent. We are available for group and individual counseling.
Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/ – up and running
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily

Surviving The Holiday Season

The holiday season is supposed to be a cheerful and enjoyable time for most. So many look forward to the break from work, the gifts, the festivities, the food, the coming together of family and friends. For many Survivors of Sexual Violence, this is not the case. Unlike most people, survivors hate the holidays, they dread having their abuser/s around, they dread having to put their feelings of pain and betrayal aside for those who failed to protect them. So much has been asked of them previously and during every holiday session the wounds are reopened. They are once again exposed to how little those around them care, to how much they are called on to continuously sacrifice and put the wellbeing of the “Family” first. Funny how that word family fails to mean anything when survivors begin to recognize that its merely used to guilt them into behaving in a way that pleases everyone else, but when it really matters, family was not, is not present. The words that have been uttered when they first told are uttered again before every holiday family gathering; don’t have an attitude, don’t make it uncomfortable for everyone, this is water under the bridge, it’s happened so long ago; it’s time to let it go, and the list goes on. It seems that during the holiday season survivors are expected to sacrifice their happiness and sanity; they are expected to pretend, to be silent, to suffer through it all for the comfort of everyone else. And so they do just that, they sit silently starring ahead counting down the days, hours, minutes to their escape.

So many of us go numb, the pain of feeling is to overwhelming, the pain of facing over an over again that your pain and suffering seems not to matter to anyone becomes too much to bear. Some of us are able to escape, we are able to plan it so that the holidays are spent away from the family, but not all are so lucky. We lie until we feel strong enough to stand up and say I am not coming; I don’t want to be around my abuser or those that supported him during the holiday time. But getting there isn’t easy, it can’t be forced or rushed. I know that it’s not something you want to hear but I wouldn’t want to lie to you either. We cope as best as we can until we are able to speak out. For some of us; alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, over eating, throwing up, excessive exercise, etc help us make it through. I am not here to judge anyone for their coping mechanism, I just ask that you be careful. You may notice that you’re more moody as the time get closer, that you are more numb, that you are afraid of feeling anything, you may notice that you are sleeping less or more, that you are having nightmares, that you are feeling more anxious. You may be overeating or not eating at all, you may be compulsively shopping or engaging in risky behavior. I know to an extent what you’re going through. I say to an extent but because while our stories all have some similarities, we all process, cope and heal differently. I know that you’re dreading the next few weeks; you toy with the idea of cancelling, of putting your needs and wants above those of the family; but breaking the conditioning to please them is difficult. For so long it’s all you’ve done that doing something differently is scary. Please don’t be hard on yourself, don’t think that you are weak because you have decided to be around those who continuously hurt you, on the contrary, you are being exceptionally brave and strong; facing your abuser/s and family. Don’t let this break you.

I would like to suggest some ways to cope during the holiday season; (1) If you are able to decide not to be around them; your life is yours and you owe them nothing, you get to decide how you want to spend it and who you want to be around. Sometimes family isn’t who you share blood or a last name with but those who have been there for you through and through. You get to pick your family. (2) if you are unable to get away from spending the holidays with family then maybe decide how many days you will be with them- maybe just Christmas day or only Christmas Eve. Part of healing is setting boundaries and doing what is right for you. You get to put you first and no it’s not selfish, it’s self-care. (3) If you are unable to do any of the above surround yourself with things that you can get lost in and take your mind off the fact that your with people you don’t want to be around. Try books, drawing, painting, music, baking, cooking, etc. Do things that make you happy but allow you to work singularly. Maybe ask to have the kitchen to yourself if you’re baking or cooking. Allow yourself to get lost in whatever activity you decide. (4) This one may be harder, especially because holidays are usually when all friends are with their families; but if you have friend who you like being around invite her/him around as much as possible, having them there will help you feel safe and happier. (5) Try a little meditation to keep you calm and make you feel more in control. Maybe if you don’t wan to be silent try listening to music that soothes you or music that you enjoy. You may want to listen to music to get you up and dancing. (6) Do what you need to feel safe; if that means locking your door at night, staying in a hotel, sharing your room with another family member. (7) If there is a specific person that you don’t want to be around try to limit your interaction with them – I don’t mean to place extra pressure on you but maybe this will help you get through the holidays, (8) Be safe – as I mentioned above we will all cope with the impending and actual holiday gathering differently but please be careful.

Our pain and suffering wasn’t ever something that our families want to understand and sadly they never cared, which is why we are dreading being around them again. We hope that with every year they will see our pain and do/say something to make us feel loved, secure and important. But the truth is that if they haven’t already, then the probably will never. So don’t continue to put them first at your expense. I often say the healing journey may feel selfish but it’s not, it’s self-care, it’s your decision to surround yourself with people who care about you, who support and validate you. They won’t change, they won’t put you first, they won’t validate your pain. But you can decide to put you first, you can decide the rest of your life. Don’t let the abuse you suffered define you. Don’t let the lack of care, love and support from the family dictate how you love and how you build your circle. There are those who care about you, who love and support you. There are those who will be there to wipe the tears and help you see the real you. We have been wearing these masks for so long that many of us don’t know who we are. We are afraid to love, afraid to live and afraid to fail. We are survivors and we are strong, stronger than those in our families. Don’t let anyone dictate how you turn out; we couldn’t stop what was done to us, we can’t change our past’s but we get to control the path our future takes.

We would like to let you know that we are experiencing some temporary technical difficulties with our Support & Validation Hotline. We are working diligently to get it back up and running as soon as possible. As always we are available to help. Feel free to reach out to us as many of you have done in the past. We at PROSAF are always here to listen and support you. Feel free to contact us via the information below. If you are interested in becoming a sexual assault advocate please contact us for further information. Remember you are not alone. You are strong & brave. You will get through your healing process but it takes time and patience. We are here to help and listen.

Feel free to contact us if you ever need a place to offload or vent. We are available for group and individual counseling.
Yours Sincerely,
Souyenne Dathorne
Email: ssaitco@hotmail.com – thepowerofone_v@hotmail.com
Facebook: SURVIVING SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CARIBBEAN: https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908
Twitter: @PROSAF_SUEEZZY: https://twitter.com/PROSAF_Sueezzy
Webpage: http://www.prosaf.org/ – up and running
http://prosaf.tumblr.com/

https://ssaitco.wordpress.com/
Telephone: 1-758-724-9991(sue) 1-758-723-6466(vel)
VALIDATION & SUPPORT HOTLINE – 452-2273(452-CARE)/
484-2773 (TOLL FREE) – down temporarily